Where Have You Been?

Oh, you know, just working my three jobs and trying to stay organized.

I've had some family struggles this week that I've been trying to mediate (both within myself and within my family) and it's definitely been a struggle to get my ass to the gym and stay on track with that. As a twenty-something who grew up in Ontario (and having a unique life experience), I recognize that there are lots of ways that my upbringing (or lack thereof) affects my lifestyle now.

For example, in my nuclear family unit, I did not feel as though I was a priority who was deserving of unconditional love, so when I emancipated myself from that unit, I (unwittingly) lived my life according to my favourite bell hooks quote: "One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others" (bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions).  For me, that meant looking after myself because I didn't trust the relationships with others. Presently, that means focussing on my own fitness, my own nutrition, my own needs, and my own desires and, as an independent girl, that often means I do those things alone. (Now, don't feel sorry for me, I've also spent a good deal of my life seeking love from others - something that I'm almost utterly tired of now.)

As a child and a young adult, this was a survival skill that I perfected, but as a twenty-something who shares a home with an elderly grandmother this is a survival skill that requires balance. On one hand, I feel entitled to my self-care and solitude. On the other hand, I recognize that my family member is not one that I've had the luxury of growing up close to, that she is a recent widow, and that in her late 80s, she is beginning to see her ability to reason and soothe herself diminish. Part of my decision to move away from the province I spent 90% of my life in was to get to know my family that I'd primarily known through "access visits" and vacation time.

Balancing this with my self-care is difficult, but do-able. I made it to the gym twice this week. The self-loathing started to set in, "how could you be so lazy?" "you're never going to achieve your goals if you don't push yourself to go?" But instead of focusing on those negative messages, I reminded myself that while my self-care is important, so is my family. In my personal life, I tend to err on the side of control (I can admit that!) but I've learned that flexibility is what supplements a happy life. Priorities like people, pets, and health take precedence but there must always be room for changes.

Missing out on the gym this week has been challenging but instead of berating myself, I take joy in the comfort I was able to provide my family, the success I've still had with counting calories, and the fact that despite it - I only gained back 3 lbs. I take joy in the fact that I actually miss going to the gym - an activity I've previously loathed. I take joy in knowing that instead of asking where I've been, I'll have been present with the family and friends that I love. I take joy in the knowledge that building healthy habits outside of lifting weights and running will be with me for a lifetime.